25 April, 2006

My sordid past - revealed!

For the love of all that is holy, please don't click this link.

I was young. I needed the money. I am not a fish head tickler.

18 April, 2006

OK, the thing about the blue chick

So now I feel obligated to explain what happened at the X-Men party, I don't owe anyone an explanation for my behavior, but I think that people should know what really went down. I would hate to see my reputation sullied in such an awful manner.

So Jon and I are in his Danger Sled heading to the mansion, and I'm letting Jon fly just like the Green Hornet lets Kato drive the Black Beauty and he's telling me about the X-Men.

"The X-Men are so cool!" he says. "They all have these cool powers and they're all like 'I'm the best at what I do, baby, and I'm gonna mess you up but good!' And then they use their powers to totally kick the bad guy's butt!"

"Hmm," I replied. "That sounds very interesting."

"Yeah, I tried to become an X-Man once," Jon continued. "Except that they told me that I had to get a mutant power and stuff, and so I was like 'Yeah, but I do have a mutant power, man,' and they're like 'No way, man!' and I was like 'Uh huh, so step off!' and they were like 'No, you step off!' and so instead of me being an X-Man, we just team up sometimes."

"Oh yes," I said to Jon. "I am very sure that's how it happened."

"So anyway," Jon says. "They got all these beautiful women and they're all angsty and alone in a world that doesn't understand them. And they're all hot, too! So hot that some of them even shoot fire!"

"Indeed," I say, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, and they're all the colors of the rainbow, man! They're red and green and blue and purple--"

"Wait," I interrupted. "Did you say blue and purple?"

"Aw yeah," Jon nodded. "They're are all kinds of blue and purple X-Men Women. Hot and cold running hot azure X-Men Women!"

"I am intrigued by this," I replied while stroking my chin. "I do believe that it would behoove me to introduce myself to one of these comely young ladies. Then slowly, to build a relationship, I will begin courting the most fetching one. Blue and/or purple has always been one of my favorite colors."

So we get there, and Jon lands his ship in the pool or something because he's just not too good with the landings and we go in and meet everyone at the party. I've met some of them before at the Great Mutant Race, but I haven't really had the chance to introduce myself to most of them. I got a drink and then saw my first blue mutant woman, well, her hair was blue anyways and I walked up to her and I said "Hi, I'm Private Hudson, I wish to be your gentleman caller for this evening."

But then she raised her fist and a glowing knife or something appeared and I thought OK, she's one of those kinds of women, so I moved on, got another drink and met the next lovely indigo gal.

"Hello," I said to her. "I am a very nice and charming gentleman, might I have this dance?" And then she said, very politely, no thank you not at this time.

So I finished my drink and got another and then I saw another one and another one, but they both politely declined my invitation to dance as well.

So finally, I see this good looking blue mutant lady with a tail and a real nice gymnast's body and I think Oh yeah, I like gymnasts. Time to go for the gold. And so I walk up to her and very politely ask her to dance. She totally accepted and so we went out onto the dance floor and I showed her my gentlemanly moves to the grooves of the Blue Danube. Get it? The Blue Danube! See, it's the small things like that that women really dig about the H-Man.

So she's really liking it and so I lean forward to get a kiss and then all of a sudden I fell kind of nauseated and I smelled smoke or something, then I found myself on a chandelier.

"How odd," I said to myself. "I seem to be stuck in the most unusual predicament."

And that's exactly how it happened.

05 April, 2006

Hudson Detective Agency

Well well well, Jon's been solving some crime of the century over on his blog, leaving me with little to do around here.

Well that's OK, though, because you and Jon may not know it, but I am a master detective in my own right. Check this out:

Yep so I've got a pretty nice caseload to choose from. I am not sure where to begin.

Case 1: Which individual is responsible for allowing the canines a point of egress?

Case 2: Which individual perpetrated the unauthorized removal of a small, flat, sweetened snack containing chocolate chips from its standard confinement container?

Case 3: Which individual is responsible for the misappropriation of the (typically) Christian holiday celebrated on December 25?

Case 4: For what reason would female waitpersons, employed at certain eating facilities, consistently refer to you as a sweet yellowish or brownish viscid fluid produced by various bees from the nectar of flowers and used as food?

So there are my four choices, which case should I take?

Which case should Hudson take?
Who let the dogs out?
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar
Who stole Christmas?
Why do waitresses at diners always call you "honey?"
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