30 December, 2005

Challenge #1. My Certs Encounter

Dear Certs,

Let me tell you about my latest Certs Encounter.

I issued a formal challenge of combat to anyone willing to accept recently and the offer was quickly taken up by a Klingon named Commander Klang.

"Private Hudson, I accept your challenge on behalf of the honor of the Klingon Empire. We shall fight in hand-to-hand combat."

"I accept your challenge," I answered. "Let us then begin." I raised my fists in the proper fisticuffs fashion, as described by the Queen's Rules of Boxing.

"Oh I am afraid that you will not be fighting me," he laughed. "You will be fighting my prize pet -- the Mugato!"

The Mugato! One of the most feared animals in all the galaxy. A strong biped simian similar to Earth gorillas, the creature also sports a dangerous horn on its head, razor sharp spines on its back and a poisonous bite. But the challenge was issued, and so combat ensued.

I was unable to match strength with my feral enemy, and it quickly had the upper hand. It beat its chest and pummeled me mercilessly as I endeavored to avoid his deadly bite. I would not hold up for long against this foe, unless I could think of something and fast!

Quickly, I reached into the cargo pocket of my utilities and pulled out my Certs brand breath freshener. After popping one in my mouth, I felt instantly refreshed!

Quickly, I seized the opportunity and ripped the monster's arm off. I then beat the stupid beast into submission with his own arm. I am not sure how Certs helped me do this, but I'm sure glad it did!

Thank you Certs,


Private Hudson.

PS Game over for Mugato!

28 December, 2005

Let me just explain exactly how bad I am.

It's a simple equation, really.

PVT. Hudson + An enemy = Game Over

I am the culmination of intense training and the right tools and I am a deadly Colonial Marine weapon with a razor-sharp tip. Just point my head at the enemy and let me go!

To prove how tough I am, I am willing to challenge anybody out there in any competition. But be warned, I have the strength of an Olympic weightlifter, the endurance of a marathon runner, and the tenacity of a Zergelian Pittbull. When I get my prey in my jaws, I don't let go. Game over for my prey. Game over.

I'll even let my opponent decide what we will compete with, be it fencing, marksmanship, running, or judo. The H-Man conquers all.

Like I said, I will take on all comers, with only a couple exceptions:

1. Nothing with flying. I'm a grunt, not some fancy pants flyboy.
2. No super humans or meta powered humans. That would be unfair, pitting me against someone with super strength or vast mental powers.
3. No chicks. Yeah, I dig all the women, but I just don't feel right beating them up.
4. No Xenomorphs. I am not scared of aliens, I just don't want some slimy bug spitting acid blood all over my nice utilities.
5. No giant bugs. Really, how am I going to compete against some ugly bug?
6. No tricks where you say "OK, it'll be just you and me" and then all your buddies jump in and tackle me and stuff. Totally unfair.
7. No human luge competition. Man, that just looks stupid. I'm not doing that.
8. No rubbing absinthe on your boxing gloves to knock me out in the middle of the bout.
9. No giant robots or cyborgs. Again, that would be unfair. A robot would have an unnatural advantage.
10. NO BUGS. I am not fighting bugs. Do not bring bugs, do not talk about bugs, do not even think the word bug.

So there you have it. That's my challenge. Many are called, few are chosen. Who wants the honor of taking on the H-MAN?


23 December, 2005

Cripes, it's cold out there!

Holy cow, I'm freezing my well-defined butt off here. Merry Christmas to everyone from the H-Man, though.

20 December, 2005

I'm not evil, I'm "twisted"

I was talking to my good buddy Mr. Sprok, and he suggested that I take the evil quiz. Well, here are my results:

How evil are you?

I guess that I'm like the Diet Coke of evil or something. I don't know. I think that the quiz just assumes someone is evil because his weapon of choice is a gun. Well that's crap 'cuz some of us use a gun to protect the colonies and hunt bugs. Game over for you, Internet evil quiz!

16 December, 2005

To All the Girls I've Loved Before

The H-Man sings an ode to many of the ladies that he's loved before.
Point your M41A Web Browser right here.
Don't worry ladies, I am currently unattached. Oh yeah, game over.