14 July, 2006

Let's rock!

“Let’s go kick some bug butt!” I whooped. I was pumped up and ready for a fight. I was frosty. Just to prove it, I pumped the grenade launcher slung under my M41A Pulse Rifle. I had 95 rounds in the clip and 10 grenades. I am more than a match for anything that I’ll encounter on the Astro Plane.

“I have Storm and Pantha warming up the X-Jet,” Cyclops said.

Cool, I thought. We’re going to attack the Astro Plane from the X-Jet. Maybe connect to it and board the thing to stop the bugs and save the day.

“But we don’t need a jet to get to the Astral Plane,” Sage answered with a perturbed huff. “It’s a parallel dimension.”

A what?

“Duh! I know that,” Cyclops answered. “That’s why we’re here. Let’s go!”

Sage and Beast quickly complied with Cyclops’s order and started up the machine that would take us there. I tried to jump first to take up the point, like a good Colonial Marine should, but everyone stepped in front of me. That’s OK, protecting the rear in a formation is just as important.

I jumped through the archway and immediately my head started spinning. I felt like everything around me was fading into some sort of dream or memory. I looked at my hand and it was a real as it ever was, though. I then looked at my rifle. Yep, she’s still there, too. I’m ready for anything that comes my way.

“OK, what’s the op?” I asked. “We get in and shoot this place to hell, then rescue the old bald dude, right? Game over for whatever’s in our way, man. I am ready to kick butt and chew Fruit Stripe gum, and I left my gum in my other cargo pocket.”

“What is that idiot babbling about?” asked the hot chick with the sash. I dig hot chicks with sashes.

“He’s got a gun,” answered Icee Man.

“That’s right,” I answered. “I’ve got a gun and I know how to use it. I am the ultimate weapon. I am a Colonial Marine Private with an M41A Pulse Rifle.”

The two hairy guys just kind of growled at that. It’s the truth, though-- I am as bad as I wanna be.

“I’m ready, man!” I yelled to pump up the troops around me. “Check it out. I am the ultimate badass! State of the badass art! You do NOT want to eff with me. Check it out! Hey everybody, don't worry. Me and my squad of ultimate badboys will protect you! Check it out! Independently targeting particle beam phalanx. Whoa! Fry half an airplane with this puppy. We got tactical smart missiles, phase-plasma pulse rifles, RPGs, we got sonic electronic ball breakers! We got nukes, we got knives, sharp sticks—”

I looked up at what loomed in front of us.

“... mommy...?

07 July, 2006

Well, Magdelena kind of ruined the surprise over at Last Gladiator Standing, but I have a new book coming out, published by Sinewco Publishing House. A few advanced copies got out to some nice old ladies at the bingo parlor, you know to get the buzz going, get people on the street talking about it. My buddy Jon got one, too. I don't know if he's actually read it or not, though.

So anyway, there I was at the Book, Bath and Beyond signing copies for all my fans and this punk comes strutting up to me acting all tough and says "Ha ha, the women who loved you? What is it, a bunch of blank pages?"

I was so mad, I jumped up right there and yelled "Shut up you punk kid! If your dad wasn't here, I'd kick your ass! I'm gonna find where you live and napalm your bedroom!"

That showed him.